Welcome to the Grammar Grammys!
2003-03-07 - 7:31 a.m.
*WELCOME TO TORNADO ALI*
TONIGHT’S EVENT: THE GRAMMAR GRAMMYS!!!
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Tympani roll, please: ...AND THE AWARD FOR ‘OVERUSED WORD OF THE YEAR’ GOES TO:
“WORDSMITH!”
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I declare, the next person who slaps something on my desk and says, “I thought I’d bring this to you because I’m tired of working on it--and you’re the wordsmith, anyway,” or “This letter is okay, but it’s going to need some of your wordsmithing,” is going to have to hear me “smith” some really unfriendly “words” together when I tell them to LEARN A NEW FUCKING TERM!
I’m just curious-- in what meeting was it decided that saying “wordsmith” was better than saying “editor” or “writer?” Because I was either comatose then or stepped out for a pee. If I’d have been there, I’d have objected. Eloquently, of course, wordsmith that I am.
And furthermore, why must writing be compared to a some kind of trade that sounds like smelting horseshoes with a hot poker?
I have no problem being called a name that makes me sound like I might be the guy who comes to your rescue when you lock your keys in your car, but I have a problem with the way nearly everyone I know--people who are indeed supposed to be “wordsmiths” themselves--have decided to adopt it into their everyday vocabulary. I suppose in general I just do not believe in word-fashions and trends. Apparently “wordsmith” is this year’s basic black.
And why is this term acceptable for writers when “smith-ing” for other professions is not? I don’t, after all, go around calling teachers “kidmiths” or “learningsmiths.” I don’t call my doctor a “healthsmith.”
Next time my boss hands me a paper and says, “I’m going to go ahead and put this project *on your radar screen, because you’re the wordsmith,” I think I might reply with something like, “Ok, sounds good. After all, you’re the hierarchysmith!”
*And what the fuck is up with that phrase all the time? Since human beings are not
Dopplers or air traffic control panels, I don’t understand why I am constantly being asked if certain projects are or are not “on my radar screen.” This is just sounds way, way too much like a Dubbya-esque phrase for me to like it.
AND THE AWARD FOR ‘MOST INCORRECTLY AND ANNOYINGLY-OVERUSED WORD’ GOES TO:
“UTILIZED!!”
1. “Um, I’m going to go ahead and have you utilize the Dust Buster next time you drop pretzel crumbs on the floor, ok?”
2. “We will be utilizing the grant we received this winter from the governor... oh, secretary? May I utilize your stapler for a moment? ....Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, about that grant, let’s start utilizing our thinking caps on that one.”
3. “I mean, he didn’t even call me after we did it. I just feel so.... so.... so utilized.”
AND THE AWARD FOR ‘MOST MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE WORD-OVERUSE’ GOES TO:
“WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!”
When you watch TV, you’ll hear talking heads and politicians toss this phrase around 20 times in 30 minutes. Which I guess happens when you’re on the brink of a war, but the point is, suddenly the horrific meaning of those words is kind of lessened, and you find yourself saying them and hearing them without fully comprehending what they mean: clouds of poisonous gas that can make your skin fall off before you can say “Cipro.”
And why can’t they just say “biochemical weapons?” I think I smell a word trend here.
You hear a TV man interviewing a politician, and they both use the term “weapons of mass destruction” in each sentence. Then it goes to a commercial, which is a plug for an upcoming special about Saddam Hussein, who is hiding weapons of mass destruction. And then there is a commercial for Preparation H. And so, suddenly, it seems that a phrase about something as unthinkably horrific as biochemical weapons that can wipe out humanity is used on the same level as everyday chitter chatter.
1. “Honey, did you pick up the tomatoes at the store like I asked? And the weapons of mass destruction?”
2. “Boy, last night those Jaeger-bombers really got us shit-faced, huh. Those things sure are some weapons of mass destruction!”
3. “Dear, do these weapons of mass destruction make my butt look big?”
JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT FOR THE OFTEN-MISSPELLED OSCARS!!
