2003-02-20 - 1:59 p.m.

* WELCOME TO TORNADO ALI*

Quick: picture someone you know who has perfect hair, and ask yourself if he or she fits the list below.

Before we get started:

When I speak of people who have perfect hair, I don�t mean people whose hair flows prettily in straight lines, or people whose hair looks less-than-terrible on a daily basis.

I�m referring to people who have short, sculpted haircuts in which each hair has an exact and very specific place to go. And if, God forbid, one of those hairs is not in its exact place one day, the people I�m referring to will whine of having a �bad hair day,� although the rest of his or her entire head looks like it came out of a magazine you flip through at the beauty parlor . His or her hair is perfectly sculpted the same way every day, yet he or she continues to say that his or her hair �looks like crap.�

People with perfect hair oppress and depress me on one level, because they are simply no fun to be around: they might mess their tresses.

But on another level, I�ve recently realized that people who oppress me by insisting that I do as they say, like as they like, and believe as they believe�people who depress me by talking incessantly about how I need to watch �Joe Millionaire�, but scoff if I try to tell them about the movie I rented the night before�all share one common trait. They�re Perfect Hairs.

Consistently, almost shockingly, people whose goals and values and interests and habits and beliefs do not match my own, and are often the antithesis of my own, are Perfect Hairs.

Of course, there are many variations and subdivisions of the Perfect Hair. But, in general, the more a person fits this list, the closer they are to being a real PH.

1) Perfect Hair females obsess over their weight --and go to exercise classes only when they have a man they are trying to nab. They say, �I can stop going now because I�m getting married!�

2) Perfect Hairs either A) made fun of you in high school, or B) were perfectly nice to you, but also happened to be hall monitors and members of the DARE team.

3) Perfect Hairs are often extremely self-conscious about insignificant, everyday things, like getting up in a crowded meeting room to use the drinking fountain, because they are the very people who make fun of others for doing something as inoffensive as getting up to get a drink in a crowded meeting room.

4) Perfect Hairs always tell you about their child�s potty-training progress, but they don�t want to know about what book you�re reading this week. You must remain interested in the potty training, but you must also refrain from talking about said book. They do not have time to listen to such insignificant babble.

5) Perfect Hairs send you forwarded e-mails that are infrequently funny and frequently spelled incorrectly, and always about husbands and toilet seats.

6) Perfect Hairs have pretty feet.

7) Perfect Hairs don�t read books.

8) Perfect Hairs �go tanning.�

9) Perfect Hairs talk to you like this: �Yeah, Bob has a lawnmower that I really like,� even though they have not explained who the hell Bob is. You�re just supposed to know.

10) Perfect Hairs only have three CD�s: Avril Lavinge, Nickelback, and Norah Jones, and simply can�t imagine why you�d listen to anyone else. Extra points to PH�s for listening to Norah, who does not appear to be a Perfect Hair herself.

11) Perfect Hairs loved �Titanic,� and if you have the balls to tell them you didn�t love it, I�d watch your back if I was you.

12) Perfect Hairs get mad at you when you decline to go to lunch with the group one day. A month later, when they ask you to go and you say yes, they will shout, �Whoa! Apparently someone�s good enough to go to lunch today!�

13) Perfect Hairs still use the word �alternative� when referring to music, and more often than not use it to describe record-breaking sellers like Alanis Morisette.

14) Perfect Hairs are either planning weddings, trying to get asked to have a wedding, and/or still telling you every day about the details of their weddings , even if they were married some five to 10 years ago.

15) Perfect Hairs are Bridezillas.

16) Perfect Hairs are people who had color swatches picked out for their bridesmaid dresses when they were in the seventh grade.

17) Perfect Hairs only appreciate members of the opposite sex if they, too, are Perfect Hairs. But Messy Heads like me know a sexy beast when we see one.

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ONE FOR THE ROAD

Reason to live #287: Liz Phair lives!!!!!.

that was then - this is now