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Yo neccesito long johns

2003-01-23 - 7:59 a.m.

I am so jealous of all the school kids today.

It�s not snowing outside or even freezing rain, but school is canceled school because the forecast is calling for a wind chill of 30 below zero.

I don't know about you, but I�d trade in my front teeth for a union suit right about now. (Is it just me, or does the shape of that image remind you of an uncooked turkey, like the kind that dance in the Peter Gabriel video?) I want one like the kind Mr. Edwards wore when he crossed the creek on Christmas day in the terrible blizzard to bring presents to the Ingalls girls. Remember how Mary and Laura got those little silver tin cups and those big fat peppermint sticks?

Never mind the nay sayers, Mr. Edwards, I believe in you!!

----------- Last night with the no-school announcement, the grocery store was all crowded with people buying cartloads of milk and cereal as if their kids were going to be home for 10 days. Again: it's not even snowing.

But it is damn cold. Grocery shopping is usually El Jefe's job, so while I was in the crowded store I got all frustrated and freaked out. I couldn't figure out what to make for supper (cooking, also, is usually El Jefe's job, but he has a nasty cold and I'm trying to be helpful).

I kept thinking about what I would do if I were on my own again and had to do this every night, about how spoiled and dependent I've become by never having to go to the grocery store. I was getting PISSED in there, ramming my cart into other peoples' when they left theirs in the middle of the aisle to wander off and price-compare pudding cups. Now is not the time, people! I was like the cart-shaking woman on the commercial for the super-PMS drug.

As I was leaving, or trying to, this little boy starts throwing a huge fit right inside the revolving door -- please remember it's fairly Arctic out there, people--letting all the cold air in and, more importantly, delaying my rapid exit from the hell known as Hy-Vee.

"YOU DON'T NEVER LET ME HAVE NOTHIN'!!" The kid screams.

Normally, in public domestic spats, I always take the kid's side. But last night I wanted to grab this grammatically-challenged kid by his hood and say, "Look, you little shit, you got a day off from school tomorrow, isn't that enough for you? Now get the hell outta my way!"

The dad, standing there in the wind, yells, "I just got you some CHIPS! You got plenty 'a stuff! Now come ON!"

So they move, and I face the terrible chill and race the cart out to my car. The little boy is walking a few steps away from his dad when a car comes cruising through the parking lot at a pretty good clip, and the dad, instead of reaching out and grabbing the little boy to guard him, screams at him: "MOVE IT!"

Now I am not quite sure whose side I'm on, and I'm cold and hungry and pissed off and I yell "JESUS," making sure both of them can hear me.


Another lovely bit of parenting I picked up yesterday in exercise class:

Woman A: (tone of normalcy, as if talking about the weather) "There was this one box that said, 'Refrains from throwing tantrums and destroying others' property?' That one had a slash through it instead of a plus sign�"

And THEN, woman B, completely straight-faced, says: "Well, little Zinther's report card was absolutely perfect this year." I wait for a laugh or a snort, but she lets out a smug little sigh and says: "Perfect. Absolutely perfect."

Oh God, which kid should we fear for the most? -------------


Why does it say, on the wrapper of my chewing gum, "Not intended for weight loss?�


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