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Tornado Ali: What a literary lady!

2003-05-24 - 8:45 a.m.

Before I tell you this pathetic, pathetic story, there are two things you should know about me:

1. I am a 25-year-old woman (rapidly approaching her 26th b-day). I am not, contrary to what this story will say about me, an 11-year-old boy.

2. I have a degree in English. You know, literature.

But here's the deal. I went to a lecture about writing the other night, and the writer was a dynamic speaker who kept quoting different writers and giving really great advice. And at one point, he told students they should really read Anton Checkov.

"Chekhov, Chekhov, Chekhov!" he said rapidly, for emphasis.

Suddenly--even though I was furiously taking notes and feeling inspired by everything he said-- I was overcome with the desire to turn to the very scholarly-looking woman next to me and say, "Dude! Did you hear that? He said 'Jackoff!'"

And it gets worse.

I sat there trying to scold myself for being such an immature, crude person. I tried to remind myself that I am an intelligent, well-read woman who has in fact read Chekhov and does not need to make masturbation jokes in the middle of a lecture. And then the writer said, "Well, we all know what Homer said about writing, don't we?"

And I swear to God, the instant thought that came to my mind was a bald, yellow-skinned, donut-eating lout.

Homer Simpson.

Please help me.

Really, please, someone help.

that was then - this is now

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