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Who's hungry for some Smuttyspam?

2003-04-17 - 9:02 p.m.

"Simply, a jumbo dong."

Ah, such poetry I�m finding in my in-box these days!! I�d like to meet the writer of that one and shake his or her hand!!

Yes, simply, a jumbo dong--isn't that what we all want? I mean really, let�s be honest with each other--wouldn�t life be so much more colorful, so much more worth living, if all of us had JUMBO DONGS?

While we�re on the subject--be careful opening this one if you�re at work or happen to be living in a convent, (do nuns use the internet?) but this funny picture proves a pretty big point about our e-obsession with penis-pumping, wouldn�t you say?

In case you can�t tell, I�m becoming quite fascinated by all the Smuttyspam I�ve been receiving lately. I delete them three or four times a day without ever really thinking about them, but now I�m really getting interested in where they come from and why they seem to multiply no matter how you try to erase them, just like roaches.

I�m most fascinated by where--specifically--this stuff comes from. I don�t know about you, but when I send and receive e-mails, they end in letters like �.com� or �.net� or �.org� or �.edu.� So how the hell can these smuttyspams end in letters like �.ufw,� as they often do in my in-box?

Have you noticed how they seem like they�re written by someone who might have learned English as a second language and hasn�t yet grasped all its nuances? Kind of like how your VCR manual will look like it�s written in perfectly good English, but on a closer reading, you realize it says "to be setting the clock, depress the button for which it is placed on the left hand side."

Or maybe other people use words like �JUMBO DONG� all the time and I�m just the weirdo around here.

(Person one:"Goodness, my dear! What a JUMBO DONG you have!"

Person two: "The better to !@#$ you with, my dear!")

El Jefe and I have been getting lots of laughs lately out of this in-box spam phraseology. While "Simply, a jumbo dong," was a damn good one, my personal favorite so far has been �Fill your pants with a manly wiener.�

This person has gone to the trouble of compiling a comprehensive list of smuttyspam subject headings (�USE YOUR DICK TO HIT PEOPLE!!!�) Ten points to anyone who can think up a fun word game we could play with it.

(Imagine: a family in a station wagon on vacation, playing this new-millennium version of the License Plate Game: �Mommy, mommy, I�ve got one! �Fill your pants with a manly wiener!!!�� And they all laugh and start singing �Row row row your boat� in a round, just like they did on �The Brady Bunch.� Or whatever cheesy song it was. End scene.)

It makes sense to me that when I look up a book by Roald Dahl on I get spam about children�s literature every day for the next decade. I�m getting used to that part of our clickety-click culture.

But I don�t understand why I�m getting spams about PORNO MOVIES STARRING GOATS. Maybe I got really drunk one night and ordered a bestiality-related porno and just don�t remember it, but that doesn�t really sound like me, now, does it?

(The mailroom guy at work: �Hello, yes, Tornado Ali? We need you to come down and sign for your package from GOAT LOVE DOT COM.�)

I�ve already told you how much I worry about Smuttyspam falling into the wrong hands, and it looks like I won�t be able to quit worrying anytime soon. I heard on NPR the other day that when smuttyspammers send out their lil� love notes to all of us, it's profitable for them as long as 1 recipient in every 100,000 buys something.

So the one little guy with a penis-size inferiority complex --and/or a hard-on for farm animals-- cancels out all the other 99,999 of us clean-cut, puritanical, no-need-for-goat-porn types.

Thanks, buddy. No, really, thank you-- you make our workdays so much more interesting.

According to this, spam is costing this country shitloads of money.

And according to this,a lot of Hawaiins like to eat Spam! Hmmmm. Interesting. I thought it was a Midwestern thing! (The real question is, do they like Tang?)

And while I�m on the subject, I just got my best google referral yet: �octogenarian penis.�

This person has some funny penis-related referrals, too, like �Transformation Cow Gay.� Don�t worry, he or she doesn�t know what it means, either.



Have you noticed how, now that there�s no more �shock and awe� for the media to show us, things like the latest plot lines of �All My Children� have been making the news?

What? What�s that you say about chemical weapons? About people in Iraq who have no water?

OH WAIT. I forgot, that doesn�t matter--Bianca�s getting some tongue!!!

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